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  • 10 May The Authenticity Experiment: the Trust Edition

    Here’s an infomercial before the post. The Authenticity Experiment: Lessons From the Best & Worst Year of My Life is available for pre-sale.  It helps me if you order early and order often.  The book launches September 12th.  Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. ∞ The Authenticity Experiment, the trust edition.  I am in a straw bale house on the edge of a canyon at......

  • 04 May The Authenticity Experiment: the Other edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the other edition.  You probably are too young to remember it.  Or maybe you didn’t live in Portland then.  Or maybe I am just making assumptions about who you are, how old you are, how long you’ve been in Portland (where the young go to retire).  But there was a bad time here.  I mean, afraid to walk to your black Ford......

  • 08 Apr The Authenticity Experiment: the Western Weekend edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the Western Weekend Edition.  As a kid, I went to Western Weekend in rural Marin County, in a town without a stoplight or a sit-down McDonald’s.  I didn’t ride the Ferris Wheel because the swinging cars gave me crawl up and a fear that I’d flip out—literally and figuratively—and plummet to my death. Strangely, though, I did ride the Zipper, me alone......

  • 11 Mar The Authenticity Experiment: the coal shovel edition

    The Authenticity Experiment: the coal shovel edition. A giant United Moving van took my mother’s furniture, clothes, dishes, and memorabilia to Portland.  Part of the load was destined for California for my sisters, too.  Still, we barely filled a third of the truck, but because the bid was based on estimated weight, we weren’t allowed to add anything extra to the manifest.  And by we,......

  • 23 Jan The Authenticity Experiment: the City edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the City edition.  Last week, I spent the night San Francisco—“the City,” as everyone in the Bay Area calls it.  The City—as if there is no other city in the world.  But I’ll tell you, on a morning when the tide is out and the fog is burning off, and you step onto O’Farrell Street and cut up and over to Union......

  • 06 Jan The Authenticity Experiment: the lifetime grieving process

    The Authenticity Experiment, the lifetime grieving edition.  The Alaskan Poet said to me, “I’m beginning to think that grieving is a lifetime process. AND I also think that it’s possible to be at peace with that and just realize that you can grieve and move forward.”  And, I think she’s right. It’s no surprise to find grief here—thoughts about it, stories about it, rants and......

  • 22 Jul The Authenticity Experiment: the anniversary and anxiety edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the mostly anxiety anniversary edition.  My friend Lesbiana Profundis, aka my secret weapon, laughs at my Rainman-like ability with dates.  Take  July 20th, for instance.  A year and two days ago, I began the Authenticity Experiment.  AE was a writing challenge for myself—to see if I could be authentic and tell the truth on social media.  Here’s the lead from that very......

  • 25 May Authenticity Experiment: gym edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the gym edition.  In 2012, the gym quite literally saved my life.  Not for the reasons you think—the cardio, the weights, the fat loss—but because it gave me a structure, taught me about my own competitive nature, taught me about my body (and how hard I could push it and what it needed for recovery which was, surprisingly, not always a nap,......

  • 18 May Authenticity Experiment: NorCal edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the NorCal edition.  I think that I am in love with Anne Lamott not because she is such a good writer who captures everyday moments and neuroses (she is and she does), but because she perfectly describes the landscape in which I grew up.  Lamott, like no one else I have ever read, is able to write the sharp, pungent, turpentine-y scent......

  • 01 May Authenticity Experiment: visitation edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the visitation edition.  I’d just finished riding a really long ride with the Opera Singer. The longest I’d ever done. I was back in the hotel room and I called my dad to tell him. He was still sane, had not gone off the rails yet, and the last cogent thing he said to me was, “Thirty-seven miles, Jesus, Kaydoos! Does your......

  • 28 Mar Authenticity Experiment: scraps of joy edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the joy edition. “Kate, you don’t want to be stuck eating scraps from the table of joy.”  That’s what my damn therapist said to me after I’d been explaining how I think what I was the most attracted to in my last girlfriend, the Tines, was that her eyes radiated joy. ...

  • 24 Mar Authenticity Experiment: album edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the album edition. My friend, the sailor, and I were talking about the music we have listened to over the years that has informed us, indicated a time, marked a point in a relationship, in a life. Whole albums—CDs, if you must—that when they begin playing, throw us back in time as surely as if we have hit a quantum wormhole....

  • 09 Mar Authenticity Experiment: all the wrong reasons edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the all the wrong reasons edition. I went on a date two weeks ago for all the wrong reasons.  Because the Ironman said I should have a couple of dates—even thought I have NO emotional bandwidth.  But the Ironman said it was important to see that women find me attractive and that there is hope for the future....

  • 03 Dec The Authenticity Experiment: dating edition

    The Authenticity Experiment, the dating edition. I’m currently single.  I’m good with this most days.  When I begin to freak out about it, I remember my friend Peggy who spent ten years alone, focusing on her writing to such a degree that twenty years later she became the Alaska State Writer Laureate.  Peggy also reminds me that if she had not waited that long, Joe,......

  • 16 Nov The Authenticity Experiment: the Gender Chronicles

    The Authenticity Experiment: the gender issue.  Thanks to Facebook (which has been good these past few months for stumbling across videos and pieces that really make you think), I watched an amazing video.  The video I linked to was about racial identity, but I viewed it through my own authentic lens of gender identity. One quote from the video says, “Who would you be if the world......

  • 11 Nov The Authenticity Experiment: Forget Your Troubles

    I read a quote from Danielle LaPorte today that really resonated with me.  She said, “If you want to consciously relate, then forgiveness isn’t the necessity, consciousness is… this consciousness isn’t about who’s right or wrong and who needs to be forgiven. It’s about designing a healthy way of relating — all things considered.”...

  • 09 Nov The Authenticity Experiment, Redux

    The Authenticity Experiment resumes.  I’m going to try and make it regular, like I promised in August, but I’m still wrecked with the grief of so much death and change in so little time.  Two dear friends, a parent and a partner in less than a year.  I’ll be honest, I don’t feel like writing or crafting anything, but I’ve made a promise to my......

  • 26 Aug Day 30: The Authenticity Experiment

    Day 30, the Authenticity Experiment.  Today, I spent the morning in a hotel room in San Jose, listening in on two different conference calls and talking to my friend, the Tines.  When I talked to the Tines, I could not stop crying. I wept about my mean client and his psychological abuse of our whole team—my exhaustion over the constant threats the client lobs at us......

  • 21 Aug Day 28: The Authenticity Experiment

    Day 28, the Authenticity Experiment. I’m wrecked. There’s no way around it. Sue left this morning and I felt all panicky like I needed an Ativan or a breakfast martini. Or both. Instead, I went and soaked and sat in the sauna for an hour, then got a massage. I told the woman to please just let me cry on the table and it was......

  • 15 Aug Day 26: The Authenticity Experiment

    Day 26, the Authenticity Experiment. I am not exactly in my body right now.  Well, I mean, I am here, sitting in my blue Herman Miller Aeron chair (a leftover from the furious dot.com days when we all *had* to have ergonomically correct chairs in order to work the punishing hours). My arms are resting on the trestle table desk that my friend Amy Witkop......

  • 30 Jul Day 11: The Authenticity Experiment

    Roxane Gay said, “I’m personally going to start wearing a lion costume when I leave my house so that if I get shot, people will care.” And, gawd, that comment was like a kick in the gut this morning. I read it on my $300 smart phone while I sat outside at a lovely café table sipping a $2.75 Americano at 9:33 in the morning......

  • 30 Jul Day 10: The Authenticity Experiment

    I went to bed last night thinking about what I was going to write today. But when I woke at 5:30am to the sounds of multiple helicopters, I knew the plan had changed. In the night, 13 Greenpeace activists rappelled off the St. Johns (sic) bridge onto portaledges that hung halfway between the bridge deck and the Willamette river below, effectively making it impossible for ocean-going......

  • 26 Jul Day 7: The Authenticity Experiment

    A day that started early in Bend and ended riding bikes with one of my ex-beloveds in Portland. Do we ever really become ex, though? In most cases, I think we only change the nature of the relationship — no one is ever *not* beloved.  At least this is true in most of my cases. My ex-wife and I used to have a golden retriever......

  • 25 Jul Day 6: The Authenticity Experiment

    I won’t lie to you, today has been fantastic. I actually got four hours of uninterrupted sleep, I rode bikes with my pal Julie Harrelson, I got to sit in the hot tub for an hour and read a compelling memoir. Now I’m at Pink Martini outside in Bend, the light sinking behind the mountains, the rhythm washing over me (it’s intermission. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t......

  • 24 Jul Day 5: The Authenticity Experiment

    Today is a day filled with my old and new and somewhat in between lives. I had lunch at Spork with my friend, LeeAnn Kriegh. We know each other from an Intel job more than 12 years ago. Back when I was married and I was the age she is now. LeeAnn moved to Bend from Portland about two years ago and I admired her chutzpah.......

  • 23 Jul Day 3: The Authenticity Experiment

    Jack Kornfield said, “If you can sit quietly after difficult news,...

  • 21 Jul Day 2: The Authenticity Experiment

    I used to routinely jump on my bike for a little post-work 35 mile ride. I love love LOVE riding. But when one of my knees blew up on the Cycle Oregon weekend ride two years ago, my training was never the same. Still, my bike....